I wrote this during my retreat in May. It was definitely healing, y'know. Finally had time to sit down and sort through my vulnerabilities. Anyway, putting this here as a sort of reminder to self.

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Dear God,

I see that today is a beautiful day. My room is small. It has neatly-made bed, a fan with blue blades, wooden desk and chair, wardrobe without doors, and a sink and a mirror. It has everything I need and more. It reminds me of being at Grandpa's place. I feel safe and secure, and also a little bit emotionally turbulent. 

The sadness comes in waves and goes in breaths. I know it is as if a wound has been lanced to let the blood and pus out, but I did not think it would be this messy. Like I can no longer contain the ragged edges of myself.

You tell me that it is ok to be free but I don't know how to live in freedom. I suppose I shall have to get used to it. A reframing of my vision. Joy said to think of Genesis, to think of how you made everything for me to enjoy and not for me to be responsible for them. Because sometimes things grow best when they are left alone - to do what they do best. I think of the weeds and wildflowers in the fields and of their sprawling generosity, luxuriant growth and I don't know how to live like that. But I would like to try?

I am grateful to be alive today.