Why I'm grateful

One of the cheerier french songs i know of hahahaah. Anyway, whoopdedoo last paper on Monday and the semester will be over. I don't know why I feel so happy that the sem is gonna be over soon. I feel like its been ingrained in us that school's a waste of time which is sad, because i really enjoy learning, 'cept tests and essays ugh. Also got back my short story!!!!! I'm really pleased cause I feel like my writing has been validated. I never like the way I write enough haha but getting back the short story was really great because my prof commented that he enjoyed it and (': (note to self: ya still got the touch Nat HAHA.)

It was really nerve-wracking to write though, because it was based on a friend, but it wasn't strictly autobiographical, so like it had to have his approval too. +++haven't written a short story in ages. I've been playing around with a retelling of Griselda by Chaucer, but it's too complicated so it's unfinished as with every other scrap of writing I do. I don't know, sometimes I have this desire to be admired for my writing. Call my writing pretty dammit HAHA. But it always takes something from me to put what I've slaved over and y'know put it up for criticism and judgment which is useful, but sometimes hurts a wee bit. I don't know how writers do it and make it their life. As for me, let me fall into anonymity.

Someone said I was shy the other day. I am, I am, but then I'm not so once I get to know you! I was pretty mad about the superficiality of people, and I was praying about it and telling God "sheesh Lord, why don't people ever give others a chance?" And he said "don't worry Nat, back in my day, they didn't give me a chance too" HAHA I couldn't stop smiling at that, and then I felt really sad because I realised that they still don't give him a chance either, like people just don't want to know God better and they come up with all these assumptions about him based on what people tell them, when really, the best way to know someone is to start talking to him right? So that you know him personally. It's not very hard since he's given us the Holy Spirit and the Bible (which really is his love letter to humanity). Ask him a question, open the bible and his spirit moves you to understanding.

But anyway, so I asked him how he coped with people not caring; like wasn't it hurtful? And he told me that of course it had been hurtful back then, but he didn't mind it so much because he knew exactly the immensity of the love our Father had for him. The pain had come from these people not understanding that this great immense love was for them too, and when they did see love, they rejected it in fear.

And then I felt pretty bad HAHA because I do that a lot. I tell God, I don't think I can love you enough, so I guess you shouldn't love me enough too. Just lemme do my own thing, and wallow in myself, I'll be fine. But then time after time, I run back to him crying because doing my own thing drains me, and the things that I turn to to freeze my brain from all the thoughts that keep picking away at me, thoughts that tell me I'm stupid and fat and ugly and not worth anybody's time, the things I turn to don't do anything, they just cover over how I'm feeling without coming to the root of it.

I remember trying to pick up the strands of prayer again after the devastation of my grandpa and my po sok going away and telling God "please, please don't love me anymore, I can't take it, I can't love you back, you know this, I don't have it in me to give bits of myself away anymore." But the thought flashed across my mind that I was a child again in his arms, and he let me cry and just looked at me.

When I looked up at him, he said, and I was so touched by his gentleness, he said, "My poor child, my poor poor child, what has the world done to you?" And when I had quietened, he said to me "you don't have to love me. You don't even have to try. Just let me give you my love, I have so much of it to give, more than you can ever expect. Receive my love, my darling. You can't do anything to make me love you less or make me love you more, my love is freely given."

And I guess that's what I've been trying to do. Accepting the love people give me and being grateful for small moments like having lunch with friends, a really good song, the weather, understanding a difficult class (and this sem has had no shortage of them haha) and random affirmations. It seems ages since I was that fearful kid with nothing left to give but fear. And when I look back at this semester and the tough moments I had, I look back with gratitude because God was with me, and I can say this with conviction. I don't know how to explain it haha but every single time I said "Lord, are you there?" I had this feeling of rightness when the thought flashed across my mind and he said "Yes Nat, I am always with you." And when I asked him about the Paris bombings and where he was, the image of Jesus being whipped before his crucifixion came to me, and he was covering a child. And he said, "I was there. In every moment of pain or anguish, I have been there, and I am there in your worst moments, I am."

I have hope.