Went to Chomp Chomp with friends the other day. But before that we went to Chinatown and shopped for more yarn cuz i'm making Deb the scarf I can't make for myself haha.

I am spending money at an alarming rate. So I'll probably cut down on going out and / or yarn, but I still gotta buy more knitting needles. Maybe I should budget like my last $10 on it.

Also arghhhh 8tracks changed its layout. Am so confused now.

And I really really like Hozier. He's got this gritty, honest, bluesy thing going on and he's so cute HAHA. And he's one of the few artists who manages to balance the blues, soul, acoustic and rock. It's so hard to find bluesy enough artists who aren't too garage or too folk. And Cherry Wine has got to be one of my favourite songs ever, because it's acoustic and pretty but it's about a super duper toxic relationship with lots of angst. ANGST.




Anyway, got back my time capsule today and am apparently 50 cents richer after 5 years (: I made things significant by putting in a coin that was made in 2007 which was the year I stepped into IJ sec and man how things have changed.

I've grown out of the school, and gasp, I've grown out of CJ too. And those were good times, but I can't cling to the past anymore. It's just like the way I've grown out of Stars and I'm still searching for a band that'd make me realise how the best music tells a story and doesn't just repeat lyrics - that startling realisation is what I'm looking for.

FOC 2015 was a good time for me, spiritually. I'd spent the last year grieving and grieving with 3 funerals to attend and all heart-breaking. I was definitely in a funk the last semester, and I'm still not sure how I managed to make it out alive, but I did so yay thank you Lord. But during FOC the message came to me so so clearly. There was a reading from Ecclesiastes 3,

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance"

This has always been one of my favourite readings, but verse 4 punched me in the gut. It was like God was telling me "It's alright Nat, you don't have to be sad anymore." And it was such a shock and maybe a relief, but I remember crying and telling Ryan and Zhi Ler (my co-facils) that even though I felt like I was being told that the time for laughing and dancing has come, I didn't know how to be me anymore. I'd held on to the grief for so long, and kept people away for so long, because I didn't think I could bear another separation, that yeah I couldn't remember what I was like before my grandparents and my granduncle passed away. And that was absolutely terrifying.

I've been finding myself again, I suppose. This summer has been lovely because of the freedom I felt to finally get down to redefining my likes and dislikes, and not having that spectre of death hanging over me. I feel lighter and more carefree, and for the first time ever, I'm actually sort of fulfilling my new year resolutions haha.

I'm learning how to be kinder, although bravery and honesty comes a lot harder. Then I've learnt how to knit, though I'll need to finish at least one project. I don't have a gratitude journal, but the month of May where everyday was spent in prayer was a really good experience, it was tiring, but it got me through a couple of crazy periods. And exercise, my sister and I have started on blogilates and boy does it hurt, but knowing that I'm doing something about myself puts me in a better mood I think haha.

Anyway, 16 year old me wrote a prayer in my time capsule, and she was so lost and vulnerable. I wrote: "Right now, I have no idea what I want to do, but I do know that I want to help somebody in the world... I want to help people cherish their lives... In 5 years time, I want to be working in a church ministry...I don't want to be such a fearful person."

And you know, I think she had all the right priorities. This is what going to be 21 year old me wants to do. I want everybody to know how stupendously beautiful they are. And even though I still think that half the world is stupid and misguided and ignorant and try too hard to be the people they're not, I want everyone to know that God made everyone out of love. And that's what I believe in, that I profess as a Catholic, that our whole entire existences are founded on the point of love, literally, that we were loved into being. And half of our lives are spent trying to figure out this mystery of why God would do something like that. Why would he love me when I feel like my life has been made up of more failures than successes, when I am small and sometimes so unconfident, and awkward and shy and problematic, and just me?

But the answer of course, is love. Because I've come to realise that love in all it's different variations is more than a feeling of great attraction or gratitude. It's a slow, simmering bond that can never be fully broken and sometimes manifests itself in outrageous shows of devotion, but mostly, love is flesh and blood and painful and sweet, and just is. It doesn't call attention to itself all of the time, and when it does, you wonder how your heart can take it all in.

So the other half of our lives then, would be spent trying to adjust to this love and living as if you were already deeply loved - which you are. And I think that's the challenge, because most of the time, what we hear is that we aren't good enough and he isn't good and she isn't good. But we are, we were made good and of love, we just have to live up to what's already inside of us.