It is probably very bad that I have waited all this time to get jaded and understand what ennui and angst really means. It struck me after my anthro midterms. I felt horrible about myself despite the fact that I really really enjoy learning new things, just that sometimes it hits me in the gut, this horrid terrible feeling that an arts degree is useless, what is life I don't know anymore. I wish things didn't get graded, that the measure of a person's worth doesn't depend on arbitrary letters that somehow have meanings more profound than their denotations. A is for alpha, numero uno, and the rest of the letters on the grading scale will never be good enough. I wish that people came to learn for the sake of learning rather than to have everything in the future depend on the kind of education you're getting, from your job to the way you dress, just urgh. Also I have learnt that some semblance of structure is good to have in life or else you'll just end up mulching around feeling worthless. I wish I didn't have to speak up in class because words just end up dropping out of my mouth and nobody, least of all me understands what I just said. I wish that curiosity didn't necessarily lead to having to say your thoughts out loud. Discussions aren't discussions if people are just speaking over one another to show off how much they know in a jaded manner. I wish people were more interested in what they are talking about. Heck, I wish I was more interested in what they are talking about. Sometimes I can't decide if I want to be shadow girl and not get noticed in the least, other times it feels good to have someone know who you are really, at least for me, I almost wish people knew me as snarky haha I am possibly the grumpiest person I know. Also there's nothing to challenge me anymore, school feels more like a struggle and I'm wading through deep water to get to enlightenment or something. I've stepped off the shores of shallow knowledge and I'm terrified cause I can't swim. So much angsttt ): I generally don't like negative angsty dwell-on-the-beautiful-past people so I'm not liking myself one bit. I miss cj. Like a whole heapful of a lot. I've forgotten ij, and I never really fit in there anyway just that sometimes I miss the security. I miss Cambridge. I've forgotten what it's like to have stars in my eyes, frosty wind, and the streetlights shining over empty streets. I have to get over myself. No more angst. Discipline time with compartment boxes. And run run run.