Hope

Stumbled upon this reflection. I wrote it in my first semester in Uni, at a point when everything was just going badly, and I'd fallen and I just couldn't get up. I wrote this because I was forced to see myself honestly with all my faults, all my hopes and dreams. It's actually part of the #selfawareness post I wrote way back haha but I didn't include it in there. Anyway, it was a nice surprise reading this and realising how far I have come and how far I have yet to go, and how I still feel like this so much of the time. I needed to read this.

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"And can I just say that if there's one part of myself that I love the most, it's that I absolutely love being Catholic. I love being a Christian. I'm not a very good Catholic. I tend to trip all over the guidelines set in place by the Church, but I love and honour the Catholic Church because she sees so clearly the way to God: the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I go for the obligatory Sunday masses even when my heart isn't really there to worship, when I'm caught up with school and friends and judging the choir for singing poorly and I fidget through the homily and the Eucharist doesn't awe me the way it sometimes does.

And then I struggle with guilt because I feel like I've slighted the Lord of hosts. It's like going to a giant celebration and refusing to talk to him when he happily comes to you and says, "I'm so glad you're here." It's wearing your rattiest t-shirt to a grand feast and thumbing your nose at the food.

But I love how the Church calls the Eucharist the "source and summit" of our strength. She doesn't gloss over the fact that reaching God is a lifelong struggle. It's hard, it's tough, and you feel like giving up. It's climbing Mount Everest. It's a hero's endeavour. And the loveliest but most paradoxical part of it is that you can't do it alone, you can't reach Him unless he helps you to. It's climbing the mountain, but also letting the mountain help you. It's saying "Oh my God, I can't do this by myself." It's letting go of yourself and trusting that somehow you'll get there. It's utterly terrifying but there's nothing to be afraid of."

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I found this when I had an extremely tiresome day in school. When I was just sinking and classes were out of my depth and I didn't have the mood to do anything. And as I shared elsewhere haha, so often I feel alone in surmounting my problems. It's like only you can take action, only you can sit for your test, not anyone else. And sometimes all you see is the big mountain before you and the promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.

But God tells us that all this climbing, the studying, the work and deep exhaustion, they're not for nothing because the goodness is that they bring us closer to him. And it's not just that these efforts don't go unnoticed, it's also grace. That he gives us the option of cooperating with him and desires greatly for us to be in his friendship so that we know that we're never alone.

This gives me so much hope, that what I'm doing isn't futile. And I realised that what I need right now is hope, a lot of hope. I pray for hope.