1. http://momastery.com/blog/2015/04/01/most-important-question/

One of the more beautiful things I have read:

"My work is to talk to children about how wild and wonderful are their world, their God and other people—and how fiercely and forever and unconditionally loved they are. I teach them about grace; how grace means that they can relax because there is nothing they can do to make God love them more and nothing they can do to make God love them less. I teach them that the world will try to convince them otherwise, but the truth is that all they really have to do, their whole lives long, is bask in the light of God’s love and then reflect it onto others. I do this work because everyone should figure out what she believes to be the most important work in the world and just go do it." 

And I guess this is what I'm also trying to teach my catechism kids while still trying to learn all this for myself -- how to not seek the approval of other people, how to not let grades, or my weight, or the way I look, or what I eat control the way I see myself or the people around me. I guess I'm still learning how to be loved.

I have been loved throughout my life, I know this, but somehow, I find it hard to think that anyone will really like me for who I am. Because, sometimes, I don't even like me. And I do like people, I might even like them tremendously.

It's just that when I'm around them, I don't like the way I feel. I don't like feeling silly and not confident because I keep comparing myself to them or vice versa. I don't like feeling like a dreadful bore because my internal life is hugely rich but I can't bring myself to tell them of my interests because I feel like I'm boasting (ha), or because somehow I don't think they'll be much interested. And I'm afraid to find out what they really think of me.

It's silly really, and slightly awkward to feel so lonely in groups of people.

But I'm learning to make peace with myself first, and to accept God's love for what it is -- eternal and unchangeable and special and safe. And I think that's what's so incredible about the Eucharist, because it is God offering you his whole body in the act of a lover, and he does this time and time again, every minute of everyday, mass is going on all around the world. And when we eat of his body, we are like the child feeding on its mother's milk, and the mother doesn't mind. And at first we only receive, but it ultimately makes us strong and healthy, and nourishes us so that we can make / take action, and live life!

I think this is what I love about the mass. That God continues to ensure that we are spiritually fed and nourished both in the Eucharist and in the Word of God, the readings in the first part of the mass that also continually reassure us that the God has never ceased loving us since the beginning (of time? of the creation of the world? Genesis is vague about this "beginning" but says it like it is: "in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."). And if you think about it, the readings are all about God telling his people not to worry, how we are loved, and how to love other people.


2. I'm dedicating the month of May to practicing being chaste.

Okay first up, chastity doesn't just mean virginity, married people can also be chaste. It's not just about refraining from sex either, although there's that. The catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) has lots of stuff on it (http://www.vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm) and it says that "all Christ's faithful are called to live a chaste life in keeping with their particular states of life."

And I think that in this culture of body-shaming and constant comparison, I've kind of been caught up in the culture too. I look at my butt and think "ooh fat ass" and I look at my arms and they're kinda jiggly hahahaah and argghh the blackheads on my nose, and sometimes this anxiety that I'll never be good enough just overwhelms me. Y'know like that song "I want a perfect body, I want perfect hair ... IMMA CREEP, IMMA WEEIRDOOO." And y'know, I just can't live like that - feeling bad and sorry for myself. It gets draining.

But the thing that caught my attention was CCC 2338 and 2339

CCC 2338 The chaste person maintains the integrity of the powers of life and love placed in him. This integrity ensures the unity of the person; it is opposed to any behavior that would impair it. It tolerates neither a double life nor duplicity in speech.

CCC 2339 Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom. The alternative is clear: either man governs his passions and finds peace, or he lets himself be dominated by them and becomes unhappy.¹²⁶ "Man's dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint. Man gains such dignity when, ridding himself of all slavery to the passions, he presses forward to his goal by freely choosing what is good and, by his diligence and skill, effectively secures for himself the means suited to this end."


Which means that chastity is about learning to live with your body and for the good of your body by rejecting the things that are bad for it. Which means that exercise is a responsibility because it is for the good and health of our bodies, and also means that we tell the things that tell us to be lazy to shut up and go away. It means controlling our appetites i.e. to not let food sway you to excess / gluttony, to not overindulge because it's bad for us.

Sexuality is def tied up with this because our bodies have sex organs duh, but sexuality in the Catholic view is not just about our sex organs but recognising the dignity of the human person as a whole. That our minds and our bodies are integrated and equally important, that we are not dualistic creatures i.e. my mind is not more important than my body (rationalism), and the way my body feels is also not more important than the way my mind feels / thinks. One cannot be separated from the other.

As this CNA article puts it "In non-marital sex, your body says, "I give myself to you completely," while your heart says, "nope," "maybe," or "hope so." The dichotomy between what is done and what is felt is spiritually damaging, because what you do with your body affects your soul." I mean that's why people use contraception right, because they ain't prepared for the baby that will sorta make sure that they live their lives together for the good of the child. And if you don't like each other enough to want to start a family, or to be committed for life, it means that you don't trust each other enough. And really, I think there's a fundamental problem in a relationship like that. Intimate relationships require trust, heck, any substantial relationship requires trust.

And I think it hurts people when they get intimate without trusting each other, when they're pressured into sex because of social expectations. I think it also hurts people when they sleep around because it kinda seems like they're just being used for their bodies? I mean if they were really in love with you, they'd want to be committed to you for the rest of their lives? Like I just find the whole hook-up culture incredibly demeaning and objectifying because it's like you're only worth something because you're sexually attractive, and y'know they want to tap you, but they don't necessarily want to be involved with you anymore after that. Idk, personally, I'd find that really humiliating.

So I'm trying not to objectify myself (Shakespeare brilliantly pokes fun at the tradition of praising women for their beauty in Twelfth Night: "It shall be inventoried, and every particle and utensil labeled to my will: as, item, two lips indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth."). And I'm gonna exercise, and also not overindulge. Prayer and purification, that's the way the saints did it.


3. Also, since the start of May, I made this thing with a friend to pray the rosary everyday for a month, for an end to war esp. in the Middle East + I've been doing intercessory prayers with my catechism kids every night since last week, and leading up to their confirmation +been saying 1 Our Father, 3 Hail Marys and 1 Glory Be with Court and we're gonna do this for a month. So my prayer life has exploded in a good way.

Like okay, the rosary is hard to keep up because I say it in bed and I'm really sleepy, so I've missed like 2 days and it's only 5 May HAHA, but I do feel very much better about myself. I haven't gone into exercise or not-gluttonous mode yet, but I have so much hope that I'll be a kinder, braver person by the end of the month. (: