Shy pie

Deb's back in Singapore! Had dinner with the rest of the gang (heh gang) yesterday, and I didn't realised how much I'd missed them, trading insults and laughing at stupid things and innuendos (: I probably need more friends, but eh it's so much of an effort to get to know people!

I used to think that I didn't want to mix with people cause of my very introversion and because words always trip over my tongue and come out like bleaargh and I laugh too much (because people= silly) and 'cause I run out of talk and I'm left there feeling awkward and silent. I hate not knowing what to say; not having a ready response and the general feeling of tongue-tiedness and extreme anxiety. I was on my way to becoming a full-fledged misanthrope (except I like people sometimes). But then again, it's possibly more likely that I am possibly mortifyingly shy.

Except that it doesn't work that way? Reading a wikipedia article on asociality now (that's a legit word), and omg it's actually really interesting, can't. stop. opening. tabs. but it makes me feel like I have a personality disorder. It's like reading WebMD except instead of self-diagnosing physical symptoms, I'm relating to the mental stuff the articles talk about. Time to get a new hobbyy. And omg shyness is also a side effect of Mercury poisoning!! O: How's that work out?! IT'S ALSO KNOWN AS THE MAD HATTER'S DISEASE because 18th/19th century English hat makers were exposed to mercury vapour as mercury was used to make felt, and thus most of them were poisoned ):

And turns out that there are discernible differences in the meaning of the words "timidity" (apprehension in meeting new people) and "diffidence" (reluctance in asserting one's self), so goodbye synonyms list, you have failed me.

Anyway also turns out that shyness is distinct from introversion, which is another phooey I have to wrap my head around, so now I can't claim my introversion as a reason for reclusion.

But mostly I think I'm just beginning to enter my adolescence (no matter how late it might seem) or I'm just hyper aware of all the uncertainty I'm facing now. It sucks cause reclusion sounds like a lot of fun, but in this social animal world of humans, it just feels like you're not allowed to be uncertain in life. That you've got your whole life planned out, like the job you want, the dreams you have. And it's good to have a goal for the long term, a plan for the future, but it doesn't leave much space for feeling uncertain, when you do begin to doubt and question yourself.

Or maybe all this uncertainty is a side-effect of growing up and university. People always expect you to have it down pat. But I don't haha I definitely don't. And the thought of year 2 frankly frightens me. It calls for more class participation, more catching up, more reading, more everything. I can't hide behind the bodoh impression of a freshie anymore, not that I've managed to live behind that image cause people thought I was year 2 in my second sem of year 1 -_- yepppp.

Anyway, rethinking what I want to be when I grow up. And I don't know what job. But I've decided that I want to be smart and brave and kind. I mean might as well work on personality first right.