Much ado about nothing

I decided to take a personality test today and look what I got:

"Your Working Style

You have a great deal of warmth, but may not show it until you know a person well. You keep your warm side inside, like a fur-lined coat. When you are care, you care deeply, but are more likely to show your feeling by deeds rather than words. You are very faithful to duties and obligations related to things or people you care about.

You take a very personal approach to life, judging everything by your inner ideals and personal values. You stick to your values with passionate conviction, but can be influenced by someone you care deeply about. Although your inner loyalties and ideals govern your lives, you find these hard to talk about. Your deepest feelings are seldom expressed; your inner tenderness is masked by quiet reserve.

In everyday activities you are tolerant, open-mind, flexible, and adaptable. If one of your inner loyalties is threatened, though, you will not give and inch. You usually enjoy the present moment, and do not like to spoil it by rushing to get thing done. You have little wish to impress or dominate. The people you prize the most are those who take the time to understand your values and the goals you are working toward.

You are interested mainly in the realities brought to you by your senses, both inner and outer. You are apt to enjoy fields where taste, discrimination, and a sense of beauty and proportion are important. You have a special love of nature and a sympathy with animals. You often excel in craftsmanship and the work of your hands is usually more eloquent than words.

You are twice as good when working at a job that you believe in, since your feeling adds energy to your efforts. You see the needs of the moment and try to meet them. You want your work to contribute to something that matters to you-- human understanding, happiness, or health. You want to have a purpose beyond your paycheck, no matter how big the check. You are perfectionists whenever you deeply care about something, and are particularly suited for work that requires both devotion and a large measure of adaptability.

The problem for you is that you may feel such a contrast between your inner ideals and your actual accomplishments that you may burden yourself with a sense of inadequacy. This can be true even when you are being as effective as others. You take for granted anything you do well and are the most modest of all the types, tending to underrate and understate yourself.

It is important for you to find practical ways to express your ideals; otherwise you will keep dreaming of the impossible and accomplish very little. If you find no actions to express your ideal, you can become too sensitive and vulnerable, with dwindling confidence in life and in yourself. Actually, you have much to give and need only to find the spot where you are needed."

And maybe, just maybe, the test is amazingly accurate and that there're a lot more people like me in the world. That's a nice thought.

I haven't been blogging since who-knows-when and surprisingly, I miss it. Sometimes we just need to pen down our thoughts and I haven't had time to do that. Anyway, I managed to hand in my proposal, now I have to keep at research until August. It's such a thrilling feeling knowing that you're gonna fall deeply in love with all the writers you proposed to research and compare; especially Tennessee Williams, but he's already got a special place in my heart x so the only thing I can do is love him and his work all the more. Sometimes I wish he weren't quite so popular with the academic crowd, so I can count him as an obscure writer and spend my time with him all to myself and dedicate my work to his work.

Sheryl says I only like dead old man, but that's not true! I admire them because they've got talent worlds apart from this world, see Laurence Olivier, W.H. Auden, Marlon Brando, TW and somehow the trite ideals and superficial, attention-seeking actions of our time can never match up to their prowess and love for their work. I admire them simply because of their devotion and passion for writing/ acting and how good they were in their individual fields. Sure, Olivier was a snob and Brando was a hot dude with a diva-ish behaviour, yet what they produced was so good, it left a lasting impression on the world. And I suppose that's my dream. I aim to create something so fantastically wonderful that it forms a large impression on the people it comes into contact with. Not so much for the fame, but the knowledge that hey, my life hasn't been in vain; I've produced something of actual use to the world. And then I can die happy. But I suppose that's thinking too far ahead.

The past week has led me to reflect on the pressures of society and how in the process of hurting others, you too can hurt yourself greatly. It's the good ol boomerang my mum used to talk about, how what you do to others will eventually return and others will treat you the same way you treated them before. I've come to realise that I'm a person who doesn't let go easily no matter how much I try to put an optimistic spin on it. Time does lessen the pain and knowledge that you've been tried and found wanting/ inadequate but ultimately, you still find yourself being far short of expectations. I've tried to be a good student. I do my homework, I pay attention, mostly because I know that doing my homework basically tests my ability to understand certain concepts, and that giving your attention is both a sign of respect, and helps you understand the subject. But I'm terribly quiet in class. I know. Teachers have commented on that, and I do speak up in econs, but the thing is, in all my other classes, I have this terrible sense of inadequacy cause when I do open my mouth, everything comes out jumbled up and incoherent and I just hate the impression I give others, as if I were dumb and ignorant which I know I'm not.

You could say so what? So what if others judge you for your inability to speak properly? The problem with that is that I find myself too book-smart and not street-smart enough. I can write, I write to think, I write to make sense of the jumble of words that appear in my brain. I write without making use of every single word on the page, unlike others who say what they want and write what they want in a few words that are however, full of meaning. But still, writing is the main way in which I communicate my thoughts most clearly, most coherently. And that's the problem with me because the working world needs people who can talk, who can communicate with precision, and I find myself failing all that. So what am I to be when I grow up?

Anyway, that's just me emo-ing and I rarely do that. Maybe a whinge or two; but that's that.

So getting on with life, (apart from me feeling like an utter, complete failure at doing my job as a student) I managed to learn Brand New Shoes by She & Him. My sister derides it as being too twee but I just love the strumming pattern; it's so The Aspidistra Flies with that undulating soft, loud, slightly springy, dreamy rhythm. Down up up, Down up up. sigh.

And I actually listened to (and liked) One Direction's One Thing.

I don't know whether or not to feel guilty 'cause I essentially decided to boycott the radio after hearing one too many rubbish songs (see Mike Posner's Looks like sex. Oh wait don't even bother listening to it. It's indecent, degrading and irritatingly indulgent. Why must someone appeal to you based on physicality alone huh? What about the brains, the intellect or the heart of the woman you're trying to chase huh? I sure hope you never ever get close to her if all you want out of a relationship is looks and sex. Which reminds me of another song that was playing while we were out shopping one day. The dude basically repeats the line Tonight I wanna f*** you and ave, kim and I were all "dude, if that's all you're gonna say, no one's gonna want you."

I hope his relationship fails miserably too.

So back to One Thing. Ok it's a surprisingly catchy song and so ironic cause it goes "So get out, get out, get out of my head" and the song ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO LEAVE MY HEAD. And it's chords have found it's way into my songbook of chords to play. I'm still trying to get the strumming pattern down pat but all the same, GAH. Alright I admit, it's a good song and best of all, it doesn't have that irritating American boyband whine. Maybe it's cause One Direction's British. Are they British? And they remind me of Westlife and N'Sync and The Backstreet Boys who I spent my primary school years listening to (but not loving) which is probably why I can stomach them. And alright, they have pretty darn good voices and the way they look don't hurt either. I'm trying to give up my prejudices here, so bear with me.

And now, my return to indie. The Chieftains have paired up with various bands to cover traditional irish songs. Bands like The Low Anthem, Bon Iver, Carolina Chocolate Drops, The Civil Wars, The Decemberists etc in an album called Voices of Ages. I'm so excited <: Down in the Willow Garden with Bon Iver just gave me the chills (in a good way) all the way through. It was so creepy and ethereal (even though it is a murder ballad) and the pairing with The Low Anthem in School Days Over was equally chilling. Ok so the conclusion is that the Irish are morbid but they make good, heartbreaking music.

Plus, I was really surprised that The Civil Wars and Taylor Swift collaborated on Safe and Sound for The Hunger Games. In fact I was kinda grossed out at their even joining Taylor Swift whom I don't even like cause all her songs are about love and regret but don't seem to have any emotion in them. So what if Daddy doesn't like Romeo? Why must Romeo save you huh? Why you cannot save yourself? So what if you cried all over your guitar? The only reason I don't cry all over my ukelele is because I don't want to spoil the varnish and wet the wood. Why must spoil your guitar just because some boy broke your heart huh? Why cannot cry elsewhere? Drop your teardrops elsewhere gurrl. I don't really care.

Whew. Boy am I in a bad mood.

But what I really meant to say is that Safe and Sound is awesome. It has just the right degree of emotion and the tone is so pure. I can just imagine the song playing while Katniss covers Roo in flowers. Yep fantastic song, the way it fits the movie so perfectly. And the way their voices meld so well together, I can't stop listening.

And so I end off on a good note. Night.

(: